April 18, 2010 by iW

What makes us equal in life?

Do we really live the way we want to, or do we spend more time than necessary on issues that keep us away from ourselves?
At a certain point we should start to question our ability to do more than one thing at a time, when it comes to being overwhelmed by the syndrom of helping people who appear helpless and weak. Let them do the things, we may handle faster. Let them get the same routine as we did over decades of doing.

Always keep in mind that some of them might just pretend to be incapable in order to serve your needs to thankfully give up yourself by helping others. Real care is making people around you self-contained: Show them how to do it, but don't do it for them.

April 22, 2010 by iW

What is intelligence?

Some people tend to get into trouble by being short-sighted in what they are doing, or by giving promises they will never be able to fulfil or keep.
Words easily come out of a persons mouth when there is a greed or thrill for a certain goal present in their minds. For that they can indeed plan and reason of how to achieve and possess what is not meant to be for them. And the worst thing about it: they will never change their attitude, even if they got caught pretending; they will meet someone new with whom they can do the same over and over again.
Those people are stuck in their own behavioral attitude. They do not want to learn, they do not want to change. They may try a compromise and cut down a little bit for some time, just to please close relatives or family members or even friends, but just in order not to annoy them. But secretly they still continue their trustless games. But why?
Believe it or not, they think they beat them all with their cleverness. They assume that they are intelligent, because they can fool so many people. Abusing trust and giving false promises of 'trying to change' is not intelligent at all. It is a cowardly selfdenial; an escape from ones real personality. In fact, pretending is not clever at all, it rather means not to have the courage and the guts to tell a clear 'no' or ones real opinion about something and live with the consequences.

So instead of wasting our precious lifetime in trying to communicate with pretenders in order to make them understand, we should spend our energy for our own advance. The gap that widens between you and that person will never be glued nor fixed. Pretending is just an easy way to live. To be real and straightforward is the difficult version of existence.
Intelligent living means to share your real thoughts constructively, to admit real mistakes and to understand why you did them, which will logically lead into a state of more self-awareness. Do it better next time. Learn from yourself. Experience your weaknesses and admit them truthfully. Get to know yourself. Find your real peer group. If you have to pretend being different as you really are, then you are running around with the wrong people. Once you know who you really are, you will automatically meet friends who are the same. Believe it or not, with a certain consciousness of life, your eyes will show your mind. Intelligence is the key of awaking your sleeping self.

April 25, 2010 by iW

Why do we want a partner?

Some people on this planet claim that a partnership for life is unnatural, while three years ago in Germany, a female politician of the Christian Democratic Union was advertising her idea of limiting the marriage time to seven years with possible extensions if both partners agree to stay together. Of course, she got expelled and is now forming a new party named Free Union. Being expelled by those who make it a common attitude to pregnant secretaries while working abroad seems a little odd, but only shows what is going on in the world. The number of unfaithful men is much higher than the equivalent of cheating females. And the consequences are shown everywhere: Especially in western countries divorce rates hit 40 to 55%, while countries like India or Turkey lead with 1,1 to 6%. What do these numbers tell us? What makes the couples of the western hemispere go for separation while the other side of the globe seems to be able to fulfill the promise of marriage? Are family values and partnership rules more respected in India and Turkey? Is living with a partner not being appreciated anymore in Europe and the USA? How can we get a hint of what the future is going to pour onto us? What is the coming perspective of living - being together or staying apart?
Nowadays widespread marriage and partnership habits as such are historically spoken a very young phenomenon that have been established during the time of industrial revolution. Before that, people lived in small family units working together in cottage type businesses to make a living. The change of technical facilities caused migration to the centers of industrialization in order to make money for a better living. Welfare state systems made it possible to allow extended families to split into so-called nuclear structures, since children are not assets anymore to secure the income of their parents in their old days.

Going back further in time, the ancient Roman society used to see women as a possession that was either ruled by their fathers or - after marriage - by their husbands. Also in pre-Islamic Arab society, women were sold into marriage and had no legal status or property rights. Killing female babies right after birth was common practice in Arabia; but also performed in Europe - until officially banned by local religious movements.
Mutual consent was practiced in Europe not sooner than 1545; it is reported that the average marriage age was in the early twenties then.
There are many reasons to get married, and still nowadays, the emotion called 'love' is just one of them, while societal pressure and economical reasons or even a sudden pregnancy may be the cause to really do it - just to slim it down to a few points. Facing the high divorce rates and possible chance of betrayal, abuse and violence we might witness behind closed doors, we still take the risk while hoping to be one of the lucky ones who found 'Mr. Right' or accepted the partner that was chosen for us by our parents; while some of us in Asya, Africa or India are still children and far too young to make a decision for life at all.
So, in looking at the above mentioned divorce rates, there seem to be countries where divorce is a commonly accepted measure to avoid further complications among couples, while some countries - still nowadays - perform quite differently. While Egypt and even Saudi Arabia hit the rate with one-third of the couples breaking up, India and Turkey pretend to be a paradise for happily married people. Looking at the European situation: Spain - where divorce was only allowed from 1981 onwards, but since 2005 can be quickly filed by internet - has one divorce for every 2.3 marriages. But also in Spain, every third day a woman is murdered: Killed and burned, stabbed or shot - more than 70 women in a year are slaughtered by their partners, 80% of them after divorce. In France it is one woman in a period of four days. In Russia, the numbers regarding the year 2003 show that every hour one woman was killed by her husband or relatives, which adds up to 9000 per annum. In Germany of 915 cases of attempted murder against women, a total of 337 succeeded; and of 14,442 trials 12,209 sexual assaults against women were committed in the year 2008 - all numbers being only slightly lower than in the year before. Specified statistics of Germany show that 40% of female inhabitants older than 16 have witnessed physical and/or sexual violence; most of these incidents were caused by relatives, partners or ex-partners. A third of those who experienced violence in a former relationship report that it happened due to a pregnacy or started right after giving birth.
Coming back to India, a country with a very low divorce rate: in the year 2003 more than 7600 women were killed related to dowry payments, which the groom demands in order to marry the daughter of another family. Dowry payment consists of a large amount of money, farm animals, furniture, and electronics. Reported as accidental burns in the kitchen, or disguised as suicide, married women become the victim of a society that does not support their human rights. Every 34 minutes a woman is raped, every 93 minutes murdered. In the year 1992 the 'Ladies Special' was implemented: A train that takes women from the suburban areas to the Bombay city center; this way the physical harassment of women is prevented.
Another form of femicide are the 'honor' crimes, which are imposed on sisters, daughters or wives who have acted 'indecently', or who want to live a modern and independent life on their own. The 'honor' killings also apply, when a girl has been raped and by this put shame on the relatives - not the rapist is punished, but the victim. Worldwide around 5000 females are murdered yearly for this matter, which spreads over 14 countries, including Turkey, Pakistan, Brasil, Ecuador, Italy, Iran and all countries with a high percentage of immigrants from these countries, e.g. Germany.
Even if the big city centers look sophisticated and modern, and women and men seem to be able to move freely, it is only an illusion. Take Istanbul for example, where women without husband are a popular target equally for both: unmarried and married men. Good enough for cheating on their wives or an object to have the first experience in sexual matters: Once it is known that you live alone, even the neighbours son may try to insult you. So, if you look closer, you may find out that you rarely see women walking alone. Mostly they move in groups with friends or relatives. Hanging out alone is like an indication of being unprotected and therefore an easy catch for those who do not respect the female as an equal individual.
So, why do we want a partner? We do know that one third of all men is cheating after marriage. Some maybe once, others continuously. And only seven percent will admit that they did.

Times have changed. For many people a relationship has become a different matter. In order to unite with one of the faithful guys, who may treat us well, we have to create a base that is not limited by the oldfashioned meaning of marriage, i.e. economical security provided by the husband for a housewife without any profession. Age matters; even though some people are more mature than others, and some will never be reliable. Spending time together matters; get to know your partner well before getting involved to reduce the risk of unpleasant surprises. Don't just only believe his words, wait for his actions to show who he really is.
We will always try to find someone to share our life with, to establish a family, a business or just a relationship for two. Being close to someone we can trust is like being one. It means to belong and to build togetherness and a net of memories. That is why we want to have a partner. Somehow we only need to winnow out the fakes from the real ones to finally succeed. Sometimes you will live together for years and decades, just because you want to do so - not being married, but with no pressure at all.

June 20, 2010 by iW

What is life?

A plain pot with soil shows no sign of life until we water it, put it to the sun, care for it continuously. Friendship and any other related connections between human beings exist only upon care. But who is able to care?
The concept of life is a concept of evolution, of growth and diversification. Life starts small and during its straight growth it also multiplies on all levels. A cell itself does not enlarge in a onesided manner; it spreads to all possible sides. It knows its way by heart. Even if obstacles try to cut it down, it will alternatively develop further until it is on its own way again. Life and death are very close. Every stagnation, every limitation of perspectives, every mono-linear activity is taking us away from evolution. Restrictions are unnatural. They are damaging the proper development of life as it should be.

Life bears happiness. Oppression of life is the oppression of positive emotions. It causes resistance and violence. Violence is causing destruction. Destruction is the knife of death cutting into our path of life. With any conflict, any fight we spend a huge amount of our life energy to later on reinstall a comfortable status quo from which we can go on again; and instead of creating something good, we have to spend time and effort to sooth the pain, to heal and reconstruct what has grown for years, if not decades or centuries and got destroyed at once. Through the shock of the unexpected conflict, we may lose valuable memories and precious knowledge, we may lose the concept of our life; and living that was meant to be flourishing deteriorates to a mere survival. Still, even with forgiveness and sorrow, we will carry the scars for the rest of our lives, being cut even deeper with every incident of aggression that follows - be it mental or physical.
The earlier in life we witness such pain, the more load we carry for the rest of our lives. And it will spread through the energy of all other beings we are in contact with. The pain of the soul, even if it remains unconscious, will have an effect on our attitude towards others, on our believes and ways of thinking as such, and how we arrange relationships. The soul speaks through the arguments that make us fight, it creates the thoughts that pull us into conflicts with others. A body who is destructive is ruled by a wounded soul. No whatsoever called solidarity or honorable act can change that fact. A person who joins destruction has it already incorporated. What flows in our soul rules our physical tools. Lacking self esteem means lacking life, equally not understanding the enriching flavor of continuation, growth, knowledge and enlightenment. Lacking self esteem means opening the gates for the greed to rule others by hindering them. It incorporates deadly jealousy. Being unsatisfied with oneself pulls out to hold down others instead of changing oneself to the better. What applies to the single individual also applies to the society and the world as a whole.
Every force that is put on others is the attempt to rule over life. But we can not extinguish that flow that is inherited in us. Even if the bad things are like floods trying to drown us in their stream, the spark of growth will automatically start over from the last point of positivity. Instead of pulling others away from life, certain people should focus more on their own advanceable abilities. And those who spend an awfully huge part of their lifetime and energy trying to show others how wonderful the light is compared to darkness should not do that to the extent of losing their own strength. Not everybody is mature enough to see and feel. Evolution is not only diverse regarding multi-facetted abilities, it is also diverse in its development itself. There will always be gaps inbetween groups and within them as well, which causes fragmentation over and over again - just to let the impossible come into existence and to let the future take part in the present.

Apart from that there are only two kinds of people: the ones that start living after birth, and the others that try hard to rush towards death.
Be always clear on which side you are standing! The rest works on its own.

April 18, 2010 by iW

Whenever men are interested in women...

It feels great to be charmed. But being charming is as fluctuant as the rays of daylight.
Being heeded is what most of us want. The more lonely and lost we are the lower we put the scale of expectations. Having been 'too demanding' in a lost relationship, we fall for accepting almost anything in the next - just to be settled again and hopefully forever.

You may try an adventure with someone who appears trustworthy. But do never forget that they want to sell their best features to you or even awake your motherly strength by pretending to be vulnerable and left alone. Once that goal is reached, sooner or later the glorious wooing disappears and emotions change into a state of soberness. Actually being in a relationship is different to aiming at conquest and victory.

April 19, 2010 by iW

You got hooked on a married man?

Being single gives us the choice of who to be with, but being single also makes us a target for those who want to taste some of that certain liberty that is projected upon us.
Single men often lack the courage to talk to women they feel being attracted to, because when they receive a refusal, they are really hurt and again left alone - so they may think twice before they start flirting. Married men do not have such a problem. When they try to flirt and fail, they can always return to their save harbour at home to find comfort in their partners arms. Some married men find it attractive to pull emotions out of single women. It is a cruel game to pretend to be single or even not to tell anything about the marital status and let affection grow on assumed implications. There may be women who really want a married man by their side, but most women who are looking for a real relationship do not share that attitude. Being lied to by a married or otherwise bound man can create a disaster. Once intimacy has begun, it is hard to close the gates again. The unwanted liar has put a foot into the door like a cheap salesman, who naggingly knocks at our front door to sell his items. He will play with your trust and hope. He will pretend to be willing to 'really' be together - but only to keep the polygamist status quo, which by the way is not granted to anyone else in that triangle.

A man who claims to be not made for marriage will also not want to be suffocated by a marriage with you. He only seeks your 'progressive' understanding that will grant him an affair with you. Not being made for a serious relationship is his very own decision. Being nevertheless still married may have two implications. Number one: He is not really unhappy at home, and his wife may not even know anything about his 'suffocation' - because he pretends to be the loving and faithful husband. So he might not even greet you, when you run into them while shopping. Number two: As long as his wife does not catch him cheating, why should he give up the luxury of having someone to do his laundry and food for free. In fact, why should he give up on his 'second' mother, when he can have unlimited intimacy somewhere else, and without any obligations! Sooner or later the pressure on either side will grow. And the moment everything has been discovered by the wife causes harm which is not only affecting just a single person anymore. Men who cheat on their wives are irresponsible and unreliable.
How long it will go on this way depends on you and your own decision! Don't give fraud a chance. Don't hide in a secret relationship. Be true to yourself and your very own values of live! Don't bend to a liar just because you feel lonely.

April 30, 2010 by iW

Do we need religion?

Since human beings are existing, all kinds of beliefs connecting to drawings, paintings or objects have been there to pamper the spiritual needs of our species. Allmighty powers were understood as being in control of the forces of nature and with that ruling life, death and destiny of the creatures on earth.
From the many who were scared of the unknown, a few came to calm down the mightiness with certain sacrifices and rituals. They spoke the word of what was invisible and yet to great to be touched directly. Like doctors who know the cure for a disease those priests and holy men from earth would ask for respect and material compensations. Were they really chosen or just self-installed?
Evolution moved on, while people moved from caves to stonehouses, from nature to civilization, from random aggregation to conscious divisions and from there to a future of individualism. And with it came the attempt to erase all scattered beliefs and make them one. Monotheism was created and with it all other affections were banned. This single God, who was now in charge of everything; of good and evil, of every shape of mankind or animal or plant or stone, of freedom and slavery - that God could still not settle the needs of the inhabitants of planet earth.

Disagreement let them split, as if the belief in a single God could be separated into many particles - a multi-monotheism came up with each group trying to conquer the believers of the other in bloody inquisition, uproars and suppression. All fighting in claim of being the better follower to that heavenly creature, whom they would even give the name 'holy father'. Still, none of these groups could make it right; up to today. Still they can not allow any individual move towards divinity by its own means.
While people start to exit religion by cancelling their memberships, still some do not even allow this nor neutrality towards God: You are born with it, you have to live it! Noncancelable membership - that only exists in religion.
But society moved on. Most commandments of the holy books were taken over by local and global constitutions, giving formerly religious rules an objective justification: 'You shall not murder', 'You shall not commit adultery', 'You shall not steal', 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor'. This selection of only four moral imperatives describes the basic failures in human society, and still, despite the rule of monotheism for more than 2000 years, human beings are unable to cope with it in a way of real straightforward and self-responsible individuals.
If there was no murder, there would not be war, genocide or fatal killing. If there was no adultery, there would not be jealousy, anger, violence and separation. If there was no theft, we did not need lockers nor fences nor night-guards. If there was no false witness, the lives of many people would not have been destroyed by wrong judgements or verdicts. If we could build a society within the frame of only these four commandments, people would need to learn, how to make decisions and to respect the decisions of others. At least two commandments are based on the oppression of others, the other half and maybe all of them are ruled by the urge of greed in all existing colors. Religion did not help to solve these problems. Earthly religious leaders were equally involved in mass destruction, oppression, harrassment and materialism on the back of their believers. Ecclesiastical groups are stuck in competition and their homemade propaganda, which makes them a human failure all in all. On the other hand, when not being watched, the human being tends to commit idle actions; maybe not all of them, but still too many and enough to shake communities to the core.

This planet is not being ruled by love, and love is mistaken for possession and desire such as individualism is constantly confused with egoism. Parochial schools have been more busy in imposing obedience and control on their followers than exemplifying how life could really look like. Gathering people by the implication of prerogatives, grouping them around the center of a system of creed that has either to be ignored or be rewritten while evolution is continuing in a quite unpredictable manner, shows nothing but the need to create an enemy to be able to keep the own flock calm. Such as groupings always naturally arouse a classification of the nearby environment, religious groups nurture the consciousness of everything that is different being evil by highlighting their own incomparability in the eyes of a God that even was created by themselves. Looked at it like this, the system of monotheism suits the consciousness of a homo consumericus, who bows to the self-images that can be achieved through the use of a certain product, which - with its uniqueness - proves all similar goods being fakes. So we should never forget the commandment that declares: 'You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth'. Find your real self inside yourself and make it happen to come true! Religion is a crutch for those who have no intentness at all.

May 10, 2010 by iW

What is real happiness?

One would think that freedom and unlimited choice of what to do will create the deepest happiness possible. But looking around, choice seems to make human beings indecisive, worried and unhappy. Too many of us just follow the same footsteps of what people before or around us did and do.
Looking at the potential alternatives and options in live is an effort that is exhausting, and strain does not produce happiness - neither seems liberty of choice. It is easy to follow a predictable path of life, to settle like everyone else, and not worry about other plans that could have been there for us. Keep it safe and easy is the slogan. After all, wherever the majority goes, one cannot be that wrong.

And then we wake up in a place we simply followed to by accepting what other people did as being the right thing for us as well. But are we exactly that way? Are we similar or the same? We live their lives for a while, a couple of years, and then we do not feel it is right. In fact, we start worrying about all lost opportunities. We regret having been rushing into something common without even trying the uncommon. We had been too lazy to make a decision, and now we ended up unhappily settled in a situation that was not seen like that before. Everything around us seems to glitter, shine and sparkle with the promise of a much better satisfaction than what we got at home. We start being unsatisfied, complaining about each and everything in our life. We yearn for the long lost freedom, but not because we made up our minds - no way; this desire is again the longing for what other people seem to have instead of us. With that, we still are not ourselves - we are just objects of predefined needs. We always compromise. We consume what is displayed on the market or what we can afford. We achieve what is said to be a stable position in life. We long for security - even though it does not exist. We want to be settled and yet we do not want to get bored. As the world around us spins and renews itself with new needs almost every 30 seconds in advertisement, we are struggling to keep up with the hype, while we are conditioned to be bored with reoccurring everyday matters. So, instead of creating something interesting for our life, we become hunters of a predesigned fashion: To be up to date with the trendy issues, to have what others got, and - most important - to keep us away from thinking about ourselves.

To reach out for a flower in neighbour's garden is a widely spread attitude that has been put on us by the mass media with their eagerness for sensation and gossip. To fit into a group has also been put on us by our social environment. To join the club gives an utterly security - as long as one obeys the rules. Governing citizens with the same needs is also much easier for the officials than to deal with bunches of distinct individuals, since differences demand more detailed flexibility, which implicates more overall efforts. Thereby it is forgotten that only diversity and originality nourishes a healthy community and evolutionary growth, while cultural one-sidedness or rather social endogamy and inbreeding is causing harmful stagnation. It seems that nowadays, happiness as such is something that has to be learned. Either we lost it long ago, or we have never known it at all.
Happiness is not just a feeling like the momentary thrill of joy or gladness. Happiness is a state of life, a way of living, a constant condition that is inhaled with every move we do. Happiness means really being involved with what we do and stand up for it. To gain happiness, we have to be able to know what we want, which is achieved by knowing who we are. Pressure, duties, group fixation and compulsion does not lead us there. We must understand that every compromise must be consciously examined. We must be aware of what we are deciding for our further life. Not every concession is a rip-off, as well as not every deal is a bargain. We must learn where we feel comfortable; we must be honest, when we don't. Happiness is freedom of choice. Freedom of choice is the endorphin for living. Do not put yourself into a cage: instead of getting to know your neighbour, get to know yourself first.

December 13, 2010 by iW

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is mainly taking part in more or less intimate relationships between two people. It is a phenomenon that is almost invisible and hard to tell, because it takes part only in the most private moments when the public eye is not present.
A person who is emotional abusive is not doing it with the full intention to be like that, but - and that is the crucial point - in joining in, we sort of approve this behavior completely; we can try as much as we want, we will never change the other person. And no, our positiveness will not permeate, because ...

...emotional abusive behavior is basically based on a certain self-esteem the performer is unable to overcome: Mostly it is occupied and negatively enhanced by deep feelings of inferiority, loss, depreciation, lack of (real) social contacts, personal pressure and the fear to reject demands.
It may go even so far that every 'Yes' is untrue, meaning that (almost) every word is unreliable. Not really a lie maybe, but a promise that will never be performed and realized.
People hardly change. Maybe some do over decades, when they are open-minded and really working on their characters and attitudes by simultaneously changing their environmental conditions. But generally spoken: People are who they are.
Relationships with emotional abuse are difficult to be detected from the outside, since most of the time the actor performs well in public, even to the extend of being known as a good buddy, happy person, relaxed colleague. It is at home, where it happens. In the private spheres, where nobody from outside is able to intervene, and where the victim is unable to call witnesses or track traces.
It starts with the avoidance of communication, continues with the refusal of answering questions, and peaks with latent aggressive and/or offensive critique on (socially normal) behavior and/or (standard) everyday performance of the targeted person, who is not welcomed, not joined in, discriminated, run down verbally, and over a certain period of time worn down and exhausted by not being allowed to have any positive feelings or joyful moments at all.
Nothing is ever right. Nothing can ever be done right.
A healthy relationship is characterized by mutual understanding, respect and reciprocal help and support. If that is lacking over a long period of time, when the involved people are healthy in the usual way and able to perform well in daily life, then there is something wrong!
Most of the time, the socalled on-and-off relationships are suffering from emotional abuse to a lower or higher extend. But the hardcore version of it must not follow that pattern. It is rather driven by a sudden big bang that burst into splitting up, with the notion of never dating each other again - even though it is hard not to feel forgiveness.
One of the two partners may sooner or later find a new relationship, and that is the crucial point where the actor will fear to lose the powerful position for ever.
Words of longing and promises that involve all what the ex-partner has always dreamt of will be whispered through the phone, by letters and by other means. The challenge is to win back what is almost lost.
With this strategy, the actor reveals that over the years the wishes of the ex-partner had been fully understood. So the actor knows exactly how a real relationship is like, and the actor also knows every detail of what the ex-partner was reaching for.
Yes, the actor feels lonely, misses the ex, but not because there is real love involved, i.e. the warm notion of support and protection - no way, because the actor simply feels totally left alone without a target to impose subjective frustration on! Which is like cutting off the resources for a fulfilled personal life.
Be careful. It may go well for some weeks, some days, or even only for some hours, until the old beast carves your soul again with emotional terror and unjustified exclusion. You may even hear that you are not wanted. Then afterwards you may hear an apology, just right in time before the next statement will wipe your feet off the ground.

In staying with such a partner, you are not doing well in two respects: First of all you are hurting yourself and let others steal precious lifetime away; secondly you approve the emotional abuse of being an acceptable state of mind and living.
If any of the symptoms mentioned above are affecting your life: RUN! Run as fast as you can. Being on your own is a thousand times better than being raped emotionally every single day. Unreliability, false promises and lies are the enemies of human kind.